Whatever: Thoughts on Feelings & Feelings on Thoughts
Whatever: Thoughts on Feelings and Feelings on Thoughts is a stream of consciousness drawn artist book spanning eight months of my life. I started drawing on October 1st 2023 and ended on June 3rd 2024. Absolutely nothing in this piece was pre-planned; including but not limited to the scenes/imagery depicted, colors, materials, and subject matter. This is the polar opposite of my usual studio practice where everything is planned down to the smallest detail before I begin creating the physical piece. I limited myself to using only the art supplies I already had on hand in my studio (only the wood for the scroll was purchased) and one post card size piece of paper for color testing and sketching. This includes the roll of watercolor paper that I drew on. This piece is durational and I drew until I ran out of paper.
I live with anxiety which for me is often epitomized by obsessive thought patterns. The drawing style that I developed over 20 years ago uses motifs and patterns that are ambiguously symbolic and change meaning with context. I draw this way in order to tell stories that are evocative but not specific to only my experience. I feel this allows viewers to project their own narratives onto my work. This practice is designed to promote empathy and emotional human connection across a variety of barriers. As a textile artist, I use repeating pattern as a visual representation of infinity to support the obsessive and anxious quality of how I process information and experience.
Many of the feelings and thoughts in this piece were sparked by conversations with close friends, world events that unfolded during the time period, my environmental and societal concerns, and struggles with understanding my religious and cultural background in the context of my family relationships.
Materials List:
Strathmore 473-42 400 Series Watercolor Roll 140lb Cold Press
Faber-Castell Grip 2001 1=2B
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Color Alizarine Crimson 1418
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Colors Cadmium Yellow (hue) 1408
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Colors Sap Green 1444
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Color Cyan (Primary Blue) 1428
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Colors Ultramarine 1434
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Colors Prussian Blue 1440
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Colors Payne’s Grey 1446
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Colors English Red 1414
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Color Burnt Sienna 1422
LUKAS Aquarell Studio Fine Water-Color Burnt Umber 1424
LUKAS Gouache Extra-Fine Art & Design Cadmium Red deep 8074
LUKAS Gouache Extra Fine Art & Design Ivory Black 8182
The very colors you want Water (color) (white)
The very colors you want Water (color) (magenta)
The very colors you want Water (color) (orange)
The very colors you want Water (color) (yellow)
The very colors you want Water (color) (forest green)
The very colors you want Water (color) (cyan)
The very colors you want Water (color) (indigo)
The very colors you want Water (color) (black)
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Acrylic Artists Ink White Pearl 125
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Acrylic Artists Ink Red Earth 554
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Volcano Red 123
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Birdwing Copper 111
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Sun Orange 121
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Mazuma Gold 117
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Acrylic Artists Ink Light Green 348
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Macaw Green 115
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Waterfall Green 124
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Galactic Blue 112
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Sundown Magenta 120
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Acrylic Artists Ink Sepia 251
DALER • ROWNEY FW. Pearlescent Liquid Acrylic Silver Moss 129
FELISSIMO COLORED PENCILS ICICLE 001
FELISSIMO COLORED PENCILS GRAND CANYON 114
FELISSIMO COLORED PENCILS SHAMROCK 278
FELISSIMO COLORED PENCILS QUADRILLE 287
FELISSIMO COLORED PENCILS GUADALUPE 355
FELISSIMO COLORED PENCILS MISS MUFFET 015
FELISSIMO COLORED PENCILS DUTCH SOUP 230
FELISSIMO COLORED PENCILS GRIDIRON 233
BENECREAT Self-Adhesive Felt Fabric 1mm Thick (white)
Sutherland Welles LTD. Wood Finishes MURDOCH’S Hard Sealer
Sutherland Welles LTD. Wood Finishes OLD WORLD CONCENTRATED STAIN Mahogany
(donated by company)
Home Depot Solid Pine Wood (purchased)
HobKnobin Wood Finials (purchased)
Home Depot General Purpose Stain Grade Laminated Pine Veneer Pine Full Round (purchased)
Everbilt Stainless Steel Threaded Rod (purchased)
FANDOL 100% Natural Linen Thread Waxed Thread (purchased)
When the scroll is rolled up it is covered in what’s referred to in Judaism as a cloak and garter. The garter (or belt) is on the outside of the cloak to signify its not kosher. Traditionally a Torah will only have the garter on the outside of the cloak if there is a mistake or error in the text or construction. In this piece, It is a visual indicator of my confusion surrounding my faith and ethnic identity. It represents the struggle within me between what I know to be jewish law vs my feelings about how the of the state of Israel is using jewish heritage and trauma to justify their actions in the name of all Jews including myself.
Context of Pain
Physical Pain is ever-present in the process of this piece. Prior to and during the time period of which I made this work I was experiencing what I now know to be the equivalent of Braxton Hicks contractions due to ill placed fibroids in my uterus. I had no reference for this pain as have never been pregnant or given birth. Essentially I was in labor the entire time as my body believed the fibroids were foreign objects that needed to be expelled. I do not have much memory of this time and the pain was so great I thought I might be going crazy. Pain medication does not sit well with my digestive system and doesn’t allow me to function fully as an artist so I do not take it. I channeled all of that pain into this work as a focal point to get me through the long days and restless nights. Three days after this piece was completed I underwent surgery for a hysterectomy.
Emotional pain twinned the physical as I struggled with the realities of war, occupation, and genocide going on in my name as a person of the Jewish faith/race. The conflict within me has not been resolved. I was taught the most sacred tenant of Judaism was to question everything including Jewish teachings. However, I had gradually witnessed that change into question everything except Israel under the protection and defense of Zionism. This saddens and confuses me. I know the line between self defense and violence all too well and I know the irrevocable damage perpetrating violence on others for any reason creates. This piece allowed me to document how I was feeling and thinking during that time in an effort to safeguard my humanity, as well as the humanity of others who found themselves straddling the same ethical and moral line.
*Whatever: Thoughts on Feelings and Feelings on Thoughts was exhibited as part of the Pivot show up from June 28th to September 7th 2024 at the Jamestown Arts Center in Jamestown RI.
